My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
You Might Also Like
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.