Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Extremely relatable.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Tastes like chicken.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits