[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”