Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
You Might Also Like
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.