[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
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Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.