I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.