This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!