I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
You Might Also Like
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Can Happiness buy money?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
o shit
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
HOW DARE YOU
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.