What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.