*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
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I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants