When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
The Punning Dead.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.