who wore it better?
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My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day