my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 馃槏. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 馃が. but he always comes back 馃槍
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I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn鈥檛 press charges.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I鈥檓 gonna be little red riding wood.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we鈥檙e only 80% of the way through one room and I鈥檓 already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it鈥檚 over
i鈥檇 like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
4 years single just means I have a bachelor鈥檚 degree in being alone
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”