ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
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PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.