I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.