Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I have so many questions.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.