what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”


Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.


My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min


when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters


People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.


*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*



*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer