what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.