Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.