*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
The USS B port
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
welp
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”