Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
That’s it.I’m out.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.