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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.