Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.