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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Personal question. #JustSaying
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.