remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.