@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

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@steveolivas

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

@TheToddWilliams

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

@Rollmaninoz

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

@IamEveryDayPpl

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

@_little_old_me

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

@DirtMcTurd

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

@SirEviscerate

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

@quesoforone

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

@walks_on_legs

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

@batkaren

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE