Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
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I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died