The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Hello Twits.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Put the is in disheveled
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
August 8
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!