Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU