4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Growing up was a huge mistake
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today