me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.