[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*