I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”