*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
You Might Also Like
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
No regrets in 2018
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.