Sooo many times…..
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.