What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
You Might Also Like
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If you are reading this then you are reading this
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.