I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
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3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.