Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.