soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.