#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
meow
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys