My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
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Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.