My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.