Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
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Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
only 11 steps left
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.