My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
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I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
😍😂🥰😂😍
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.