if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
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Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
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