if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!