if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Tea time force
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG 911: OMG
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.