*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
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At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
January has been Januweary
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.