My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.