doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
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Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?