Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
You Might Also Like
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*limbos under the caution tape
Baller is short for ballerina
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
finally found a reasonable question
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL