On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
The French cow says MEUX…
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here