My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
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The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Sunday
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Owl Sanctuary
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk